Spill the Beans, KP

I’m supposed to be progressing, but I feel like I’m just going into a deeper, darker hole.

Memories in This Town

Hello Internet,

I’ve come to visit my parents and brothers for the holiday break. It has been so hard for me to be here because there are so many triggers around here that remind me of my ex boyfriend. I haven’t felt this depressed in a long time. I can’t go anywhere in this God forsaken town without thinking “oh, we used to come here” or “the last time I was here, I was with him”. It has been so much harder than I expected. Being in this city has taken its toll on me. I was so exited to visit my family, but all I can think about is getting out of here. I used to be able to look forward to being in his arms once again when I visited during breaks, but now I don’t have that. I miss him so much and I wish he would miss me. I should wish him and his new girlfriend the best, but I can’t. This makes me feel even more lonely.

-kptellsall

Happy Holidays?

The holidays have decreased my happiness and increased my loneliness.

There have been one too many nights like tonight where I just don’t feel like silently suffering any longer. 

There are too many people who think I’m happy this holiday season, when in reality, this has been the hardest holiday season I’ve ever had.

How can I feel so unwanted, unneeded, and lonely in a room full of people who love me?

-kptellsall

They ask me if I am suicidal. I chuckle and say, “I’m not going to kill myself”. There’s a pause, and then I say, “but I wouldn’t care if I was no longer alive”.