Spill the Beans, KP

living the life of someone who hates communication.
~ Tuesday, September 4 ~

Guilty, but moving forward

Hello Internet,

It’s been almost three months since I last posted anything on this blog. I admit, after my last post on June 8th, I felt extremely guilty. If you don’t follow me or haven’t seen any of my earlier posts, I can let you in on the story: I have been dealing with the problem of depression and cutting. I was trying to get back on track in life and get away from the self harm, but on June 8th, I fell into temptation and I posted it on the internet for everyone to see. The next day, after seeing what I posted, I felt a wave of guilt come over me and agreed to stay off Tumblr for a while. Honestly, I was really disappointed in myself.

But now I’m back and I’m able to say that things seem to be looking up. I’ve been meeting with my counselor weekly and have been taking my anti-depressants. I told my dad about my painful journey; we hugged and cried. He told me he was proud that I took control of my life and that I had the courage to admit to someone that I was dealing with some horrible things in life. I still have yet to tell most of the people in my life about my constant struggle with depression; I’m still worried about judgment and ridicule (especially from my step-father). My grandparents, friends, and parents have noticed a drastic change in my attitude over the past three months, which reassures me that my lifestyle changes are helping. Most importantly, I’ve stayed away from cutting for a while now. That doesn’t mean that I haven’t thought about it, but now I have the strength to restrain myself.

I pray that this feeling of satisfaction with life can be with me forever, but I know that some days I will just have the urge to cut or the urge to just stay in bed all day because of how much sadness I still have inside me. Depression is a daily battle, and I get that now. I have to live my life day by day, step by step, in hopes that today I will be able to control the dark sadness within me.

I will be sharing more about my daily struggles and my improvements (or regression) on this blog from now on, in hopes that it will help me communicate not only with myself, but to others out there dealing with the same endeavors. I hope to give my followers insight on my everyday problems and how I deal with them, or how not to deal with them (learn from my mistakes). Please, don’t expect me to be completely optimistic everyday, because if you’ve been under the same circumstances, you can understand that living with depression can have it’s ups and downs. I’m sure there will be some days where there’s nothing happy about my life. If anything, this blog just allows me to get some things off my chest, anonymously :)



Tags: depressed depression sadness cutting self harm guilty anti-depressants struggle kptellsall alone SI hope blog personal spill the beans kp
~ Wednesday, May 2 ~

over you, but not really

woah. I thought I was over my ex boyfriend, but out of nowhere these feelings came back. I’m almost wondering if I’m sad that I’m not in a relationship anymore. I mean, sure, it was sad losing one of my closest friends, but I sort of miss the relationship more than I do my actual ex-boyfriend. I just feel alone. I want someone to hug me like they mean it, to lay in someones arms, I want to be able to cry to someone. He was the only person I felt comfortable crying in front of. Maybe I miss him, but maybe I just want someone to be there for me. The past couple months have been so hard because I have no one to talk to. This is obviously a lie because I have several people to talk to, but none I feel that comfortable around. With my ex, I trusted him with everything. I knew that he wouldn’t judge me and he’d only have loving things to say to me. It just sucks having to hold all these feelings of distress inside my head, not telling anyone. If my ex was anything to me besides a friend, he was an outlet for me. He was the person I went to when I was broken. Sure, I miss him and our relationship, but most of all I miss having a way to let go of my sadness. Now all this sadness is just locked inside. I know I’ll find someone else that I trust, but it just feels like it’s taking an eternity. I need it now.


Tags: sad breakup i'm not over you broken lonely personal blog
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~ Tuesday, May 1 ~

boy crazy

So a little background on my relationship status: I was dating a guy for four long years. We had our rough times and times where we took breaks, but we seemed to think life was better when we were together. Recently, amidst the long distance relationship and everyday arguments, he decided it was no longer worth trying to make work. He broke up with me. At first, I cried every night and looked at pictures of us constantly. After time passed, I started seeing the positives to the end of this relationship and how much of a drag it was while we were together. I can’t say I’m completely over this guy, because it was four years that we were together and I grew to love him more than I loved myself at times. But I can say that I’m GETTING over him. It’s a process and I think I’ll gain more from this experience than I would have if we stayed together. Anyways, lately I’ve been talking to guys, but not in a way that would lead to relationships; only friendships… except for this one guy. I actually liked him before my boyfriend broke up with me, but I knew it would never go anywhere. We’re friends and continue to talk and I still like him, but with not having dated for four years, I don’t know how to come about saying I have feelings for him. Sometimes I think he likes me too, but when I start to open myself up to him, he runs away. I don’t know if he’s just shy or he legitimately doesn’t like me. It’s hard to try for another relationship after the end of such a meaningful one. And it sucks that the only guy I care for doesn’t like me back. Maybe God is just trying to say I’m not ready for another relationship yet. Maybe I just need to wait a while and get over the loss of my other relationship first. But for now, I’ll just admire this guy from afar.


Tags: relationships boys love breakups dating blog personal