If you have read my previous posts, you would know that I’m having trouble with a recent breakup with a guy I dated for four years. Sure, it was heartbreaking, and sure I miss him dearly, but the sadness I’m feeling isn’t just from the breakup. Truth is, internet, I’ve been hurting inside for a while; a few years or so. I am in no way an attention seeker, so I hid my pain easily with a smile and my sense of humor. I told myself, I have no reason to be sad, I have no reason to be crying. It wasn’t until my breakup that I let all these emotions go. It wasn’t until then that I actually felt like I had a reason to cry. People have been telling me, “it’s just a boy” or “you just need time to heal”, but in reality, this sadness isn’t coming from the breakup, it was just an outlet for my sadness. Again, I must reiterate that the breakup did hurt a lot and sometimes I wish he was still in my life, but I’m now noticing that the pain I’m feeling is emanating from a deeper source. I’ve fallen into a hole and I can’t seem to get myself out. I took the first step and called someone about the possibility of me having depression. I went to the doctor and I was diagnosed with depression. Because of the severity of the matter, I was prescribed anti-depressants and scheduled to meet with a counselor twice a week. For some reason, I’m ashamed. I feel like a freak. I hid my problems from everyone for so long and I lived in fear that someone would find out my dirty secret. Now I’m exposing myself to doctors and counselors. I have yet to tell any friends or family what is going on. I’m 20 years old and have the ability to hide these types of things from important people. Why must I feel so ashamed of my “illness”? Why can’t I accept that this is who I am and that I’m on the road to recovery? Why do I feel like the whole world is going to judge me when they find out that I’m on medication? Why can’t I just yell out, “My name is KP and I’m depressed”?
woah. I thought I was over my ex boyfriend, but out of nowhere these feelings came back. I’m almost wondering if I’m sad that I’m not in a relationship anymore. I mean, sure, it was sad losing one of my closest friends, but I sort of miss the relationship more than I do my actual ex-boyfriend. I just feel alone. I want someone to hug me like they mean it, to lay in someones arms, I want to be able to cry to someone. He was the only person I felt comfortable crying in front of. Maybe I miss him, but maybe I just want someone to be there for me. The past couple months have been so hard because I have no one to talk to. This is obviously a lie because I have several people to talk to, but none I feel that comfortable around. With my ex, I trusted him with everything. I knew that he wouldn’t judge me and he’d only have loving things to say to me. It just sucks having to hold all these feelings of distress inside my head, not telling anyone. If my ex was anything to me besides a friend, he was an outlet for me. He was the person I went to when I was broken. Sure, I miss him and our relationship, but most of all I miss having a way to let go of my sadness. Now all this sadness is just locked inside. I know I’ll find someone else that I trust, but it just feels like it’s taking an eternity. I need it now.